Real Answers to Your Questions About Losing Your Virginity and Having Sex

Do I really need to wait for marriage?

Isn't it okay if I love the person? Does it mean I am ruined if I don't wait to have sex?

Ok, so you're thinking about sex, and you have a lot of questions. It's normal. There's a lot of opinions and information for you to sort through.

You may wonder: Do I really need to wait for marriage? What counts as sex? If I have sex, does that mean I'm not a Christian? Between what you hear from your parents, friends, school, and more, it's important to know what God says versus society, so you can make an informed decision.

There are a lot of things no one tells you about having sex, and since it's a big deal, you want to think through things before you decide.

It seems like everyone is having sex. Why is God telling me to wait?

Much like a loving parent, God loves you and wants to protect you. He knows he designed sex to be powerful and beautiful connection inside the covenant of marriage. Remember marriage is supposed to last a lifetime, which means long lasting intimacy is required.

Sex was designed to be fun, pleasurable, and create a unifying connection in marriage. When used outside of God's design, sex may feel good, but it can be very harmful to your mental and emotional health because of the vulnerability and intimacy it creates. To be honest, sex doesn't feel good in all situations and all the time, especially when you are first learning to navigate how it works.

Sharing your body with another person is so intimate and powerful. It is more than just a physical experience. It's emotional and spiritual too. Paul warns in 1 Corinthians 6:18 "Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body (ESV)."

What does this mean that through sexual immorality a person sins against his own body? When you have sex with another person, you are making yourself one with that other person. This may seem like something you want, until you realize that the connection made between two people in sex, is not intended to be broken.

Sex is first mentioned in Genesis 2:24, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Because of the lifetime design of marriage, sex is made to literally cement two people together physically and spiritually. What do you think it does to you every time you give yourself to someone, only to breakup and do it with someone else?

My boyfriend and I have been talking about having sex. I want to marry him, so doesn't that make it ok?

Here's the thing: loving someone and wanting to get married isn't the same thing as actually getting married. The world (society) will tell you that hooking up and sex are what make a relationship steamy and real.

Truth: Having sex may bring you closer, but it can also complicate things. These days most guys are talking to or messaging other girls, even when they are in a relationship. While you may feel like sex can give you a hold over him, it may just cause him to use you for sexual gratification, while keeps his options open. This will leave you feeling used and hurt. Most relationships aren't strong enough to withstand the worst-case scenarios that come with sex.

This means, while your intent may be to marry him, you opened a part of your relationship before the right time.

Risks of Moving Forward:

Birth Control fails: Condoms break, the pill only works if you remember at the same time every day. No birth control is 100 percent effective.
Pregnancy changes everything
Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs)
Violation of Privacy: Let's be honest. Most young guys can't help but brag once they have had sex. Are you prepared to deal with the fallout when other people find out?

What Counts as "Losing Your Virginity?"

You may think that penis in the vagina is losing your virginity. But that is not the case even by society's standards. It's less about vaginal sex, and more about sexual encounters with your partner. It's more about your sexual experiences than the one specific act.

Still Planning to Have Sex Or You Have Already Had Sex... Does that mean you're ruined?

The simple answer is NO. God teaches you how to stay in his will, but he doesn't control you. His will for you would be to wait until you are married, but ultimately, it's your decision.

Salvation doesn't come from whether you have sex or not. You can still be a Christian if you have sex. The reason God teaches you about his design for sex is to protect your heart and to help you have the strong marriage he has planned for you.

Having sex is not what God would choose for you, but he still loves you. Keep pursuing your relationship with him and pray a lot. Ask him to help you feel his love and listen for him to speak to your heart.

Questions to Ask Yourself If You Are Still Trying to Decide.

Why do you want to have sex?
What good things do you think will come from having sex?
What could be the costs?
If you get pregnant or contract a STI, what is your plan?
If things don't work out, how will you keep yourself from going in a downward spiral?
Who will be upset with you if they find out you're having sex? How will it affect your relationship with the person?
How will you get protection?